The prompt offered by Stu over at dVerse Poets pub’s Poetics feature this afternoon is “fear”. Stu contends that everyone is afraid of something, and I don’t know if that’s true, but I have known fear of the worst kind. I’m not sure if I was afraid of the drugs that had a grip on me, but I know I feared living without them. I think back on those long ago days in wide-eyed amazement; I’m amazed I’m still here.
Pray For Sleep
Acrid stench seeps from pores
Bitter film upon my tongue
Breath tainted with unseen disease
Brought forth from ravaged lungs
Moment of near awakening
Another day begins
Body cries out for mercy
‘tis the mind that sins
Sweat-soaked sheets, beneath me
Mattress soft and old
Unpaid bills, no gas for heat
I shiver in the cold
Empty bottle, white dusty mirror
There beside the bed
I turn away, try not to see
They remain inside my head
Need more, but have no money
I cannot live this day
Must search the room, the world
Find some way to pay
Nightfall finds me there… again
Lips wet with evil brew
White powder, breathe it deep
Just one more will do
Just one more… a thousand times
A never ending tale
Of endless lies and countless tears
A life of self betrayal
Set me free, I cry, unheard
Moans echo through the room
Pray for sleep, as darkness steals
Into my lonely tomb
Copyright © 1998 C. Mashburn
Buy "Be Still" from WestbowPress.com
Marbles In My Pocket ~ The Official Blog of Charles L. Mashburn ~ Poems, Short Stories, and random thoughts from the author of "Be Still... and know that I am God" 
Daydreamertoo said
Not easy to break any type of addictions. So glad you did Charles. This is very vivid and, honest.
charlesmashburn said
You’re nowhere near as glad as I am! Thanks, Daydreamertoo!
Sherry Mashburn said
I cannot begin to imagine what you went through. I thank God you made it through to to the other side.
poemsofhateandhope said
Charles….you lived this?…I bow to you sir…for firstly having the determination to overcome your fears,for living, and secondly, for holding your fears up in public for all to see. You have my utmost respect. This poem is raw, real life, and exposes an underbelly that most would never dare to look at, let alone live….bravo
charlesmashburn said
It’s mostly true, Stu. The only fiction in this piece is the part about the heat and lack of money. I lacked for nothing when I was in the dark world, but only because I learned how to manipulate it. I wrote a novel called “The Devil’s Dust”, which details much of what went on during those years (approximately three). The book is heavily fictionalized, but much of it is based on actual happenings. The Devil’s Dust
brian miller said
ugh addiction is hard stuff man…been there….a while back and its brutal…if this is part of your story and you have overcome then props to you for sure man….
charlesmashburn said
It is indeed part of my story, Brian. I’m so thankful I was brought out of it.
henryclemmons said
What a story. Glad to read there is victory!
charlesmashburn said
Some are not as lucky as I was.
hedgewitch said
This is a familiar and terrifying place–not for me, but for many I cared about back in the day–it’s just as frightening watching the disintegration of everything you loved or cared about in someone, from the outside, though I’m thankful many did make it, and very glad you did Charles, because you can make me laugh, and that’s a skill the world needs more of.
charlesmashburn said
Thank you very much! I am pleased to know I can make you laugh. I love to make people laugh!
Mary said
Charles, the openness and honesty of your poem moved me greatly. I am another one who am glad that you are drug free……
charlesmashburn said
Thank you very much, Mary!
pandamoniumcat said
Such an honest write Charles, it takes a lot of strength to break an addiction, I’ve never had a drug addiction so I can’t begin to imagine what it is like…mine was cigarettes that was hard enough! Glad you made it through. 🙂
charlesmashburn said
I did the tobacco thing, too, Dianne, but that’s a whole nuther story!
I’m glad you kicked it!
kkkkaty said
I’ve not seen this first hand, only milder cases, but it fits the way you tell it so well that maybe one last fix will be the last, but no, one seems to have to reach the very bottom…good for you to be where you are now!
charlesmashburn said
Thank you very much, Katy! It’s great to be here!
wolfsrosebud said
thanks for the honesty and showing the difficulty that lingered in your day… felt the struggle to the end and trust those days are long gone with God’s help
charlesmashburn said
It was a long time ago, and those days are definitely history! Thank you!
ManicDdaily said
Ugh, Charles. Very powerful and awful to think of going through it. You know it’s so weird that sometimes people turn to substances to dull some kind of pain (or dull boredom) and soon the bigger problem becomes the substance itself, and just to get back to the old issues would be a blessing. Crazy. Difficult. I have a very addictive personality so try to be quite careful as to what I let myself get involved with. (Things like blogging.) k.
ManicDdaily said
(ps – things like blogging bad enough – when you are also balancing job and homelife! Ha!) k.
charlesmashburn said
I hear ya!
charlesmashburn said
My reasons and thinking in those days was not good. I was an angry man, and cared little about anything. Reckless, would be putting it mildly.
Thanks, k!
Maria Rose Thomas Tatham said
Wishing you well, Charles! Glad about your victory – the Lord’s work in you!
charlesmashburn said
He had plans that I could not destroy. Thank you, Maria!