Cool As In Cat
The people I live with named me “Cool”, so I try to live up to the name. They’ve got a butt-load of cats, and it beats me how they can remember which cat is called what. But, hey, I’m cool with that; they always seem to get my name right, and the food dish is always full. I try to just stay mellow; roll with the punches, if you know what I mean; lounge around the house and lick myself a lot, and if one of the owners calls me, I just give them “the look”. You’ve seen it; your cat stops in mid-lick, and narrows his eyes, then still watching you with one eye, goes back to licking.
The folks across the street have this little black dog. It’s strange looking, but cute at the same time. Dogs are funny like that; not funny-haha, funny-odd. I mean, check it out, folks; all cats pretty much look like cats. Well, except for those hairless freaks. What the hell? That’s just wrong on so many levels! But dogs, now there’s a mystery for you; Heinz 57, my butt; the variety is endless; more like Heinz 57,000! Anyway, this dog across the street is really weird; thinks she’s a cat catcher, and couldn’t catch a drift; know what I’m sayin’? She’s got this little door she can use to go in and out of the house anytime she wants—that’s some cool beans, right there—and I like to go sit in her backyard and watch her come out of the little door.
The people she lives with must like to make her crazy, because they’ll look out the glass doors, see me sitting in the yard—being cool—and I’ll hear them yell, “Cat!” It’s kind of amazing how quick that little dog hits the doggie door. There’s two pretty big steps right outside the door, and that mutt busts out that flapper door, and lands clear out in the yard. Then, she turns the corner—same thing every time—and halls butt around to the front yard. She never even looks my way.
One time I was back there, I hear the lady inside yell, “Cat!” Then, BAM, there goes that dog, out the little door, and racing around to the front of the house. So I think, “what the heck,” and I chase it. Not the best idea I ever had, but, how ya gonna know the dog would double back. I ran right into her. Scared hell outta me, ‘cause I wasn’t expecting it; but I thought the poor dog was gonna have a cardiac event. I never heard such a racket. “Reeee! Reeee! Reeee!” Holy tail-in-the-door, bro! I never heard nothing like it. I went over the fence and back to my yard in two dang leaps! Got myself under the porch and stayed there ‘til dark. Honest man, I never laid a claw on that dog! Freaked me out; all that screaming!
I still have nightmares! Wake up hearing that Reeee! Reeee! Reeee; and I’m darting around the living room, looking for a porch to get under. I’ll never chase another dog as long as I live!