By the powers not likely to be vested in me, I hereby declare this to be Today Day. Today will be dedicated and set aside to observe and celebrate the singular fact that Today is unlike any other day preceding it, or to come, and thus should receive special recognition and honor.
If I have inadvertently stepped on the toes of those celebrating Today in other ways, I sincerely apologize, but no matter what you might be celebrating and/or promoting today, I submit that you cannot deny that today is Today. Perhaps—this is only a suggestion—you might want to move your festivities to a day that is not Today. That, I am afraid, is easier said than done, and upon tomorrow’s arrival, you will understand exactly what I’m saying, because as everyone knows, tomorrow never comes, and it is always Today. In my opinion that fact alone warrants the celebration I am proposing in honor of Today.
Surely some of you have grasped the truth of the situation by now, and realize that Today is the most unique and special day ever! The most unique aspect being that you can choose when to celebrate this momentous day. Because…. drum roll, please…. …. It is always Today!! Yes!! Every day is Today! Three cheers for Today!