Archive for funny stuff

The Easter Bunny?

He wasn’t a stray. I figured he’d just found a way out of the yard and thought he’d soak up some freedom. When he saw me, he joined me on my walk, doing an excited trot beside me, then running ahead, smelling every bush and tree. Then he cut up a driveway and grey bunnydisappeared but only for a few seconds. A fat grey rabbit came shuffle running around the house and into the street, almost running into my leg. And, as it passed it looked up at me with big eyes that begged, “a little help here.” Another pet out of its cage, I figured. The dog gave chase, but quite obviously had no sense of why. Just instinct. The rabbit went ‘round the house, and a squirrel came flying from the same direction past the dog. The dog probably confused by the size change in his prey, stopped, cocked his head, then appearing to laugh, chased the squirrel that vanished quickly up a tree. I started walking again and the dog bounded on ahead, a happiness in its step that said, this freedom thing is the best! He went around a corner and that was the last I saw of him. I figured he’d find his way home when he got hungry. As I walked on, I thought about how happy he’d been, roaming and exploring and being free, and I smiled thinking, he was right; this thing called freedom is indeed a wonderful thing.

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Who’s Silly Now?

If you haven’t read the post preceding this one, That’s Just Silly, it’s kind of a lead in to this one, and you might enjoy reading it first.

…….

silverwareThing is, we have 12 of everything in our silverware drawer, but we only use the top two of each utensil because I hand wash, dry, and put away the dishes after every meal. So, I’d been thinking about this for a while and then yesterday I came up with a plan. I would leave the washed silverware in the drain thingy until we’d used it all. Brilliant! So, I’m smiling, all proud of my plan, when another thought hit me. How would I know which silverware I used first? It’s just going to go in randomly, and how’m I gonna know the same two aren’t being used over and over. I told Sherry about my plan and the problem with it, and she just laughed and laughed. What’s up with that?

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That’s Just Silly

Stopped by a neighborhood C-Store yesterday. Had a lottery ticket I wanted to cash, so I walked up to the newly installed bulletproof shield at the register and handed the ticket man runningthrough the little slot at the bottom. The young lady behind the plexiglass said, “Put it down!” I jerked it back and said, “What?” “Put. The. Ticket. Down!” I was a bit unnerved, and said, “Why?” She glared at me. “We’re not allowed to have contact with customers.” I grinned as I said, “That’s just silly. I’ve had my hands on every square inch of this ticket in the last five minutes.” She just pointed to the ticket, then the counter. Oh-kaaay, I thought, as I put the ticket through the slot and let it fall. I traded the ticket for another one, and when she stuck it through the window, I said, “Put it down!” Then I just laughed and laughed. Until, that is, she dropped the ticket and started around the counter. I assumed she was about to break the no-contact-with-customers rule, so I bolted for the door. I’m fast when I need to be.

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It’s Not My Job!

Was taking my morning walk when I spotted three ladies standing together talking, and as I got closer, I recognized two of them from our PACE group at the health club. Didn’t know the third one. They were too “busy” to notice me, so when I was about twenty feet away, I yelled, “Ah’ight, y’all spread out!” I will NOT do THAT again!

Okay… to be honest, what I said next probably caused the scene that followed. “I think I’ll just come over there and hug all three of you.” THEN:

karate womanOne of them bolted into the trees, one screamed and threw her phone at me, and the one I didn’t know grinned a wicked grin and took this odd looking Karate Kid type stance.

I managed to outrun the Karate Gal, but I gotta tell you folks, this social distancing thing is henceforth out of my realm of responsibility. I will, however, keep my distance from groups of more than two women on the walking trail.

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Grandpa Does it Again!

Bill, Sawyer, Haynes, Tracey, Me (2)

The grandson is home from UT for spring break, which got extended for the Corona scare, so yesterday we had a little get-together.

We were just standing around shootin’ the breeze, when I leaned into the boy and said, “Got any tattoos yet?” Every head in the room snapped my way, the boy looked down at me, grinned and chuckled, then mayhem ensued. Shots were fired!

Actually, they don’t own any guns and the shots were merely daggers fired at me from the eyes of all present. Except the granddaughter. She was behind me, but got me with a well-placed “accidental, I’m sure” elbow to the ribs as she walked past on her way to assist her grandmother, who was spitting and sputtering, having apparently shot a mouthful of iced tea out her nose.

Turns out the boy doesn’t have any tattoos yet, but I think the granddaughter might be hiding something.

Apparently, their mom and dad are “kind of” against the idea of ink on their babies and didn’t want me putting ideas in their heads. Who knew?

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A HA-HA Moment!

6-30-19 walk 2 quoteI was walking last Thursday and out of nowhere my brain said, “Hey! I know! Let’s run!” So off I went. I didn’t run very far–maybe a couple hundred yards–but the next day my back and hip hurt. It happens these days–little aches and pains pop up–and I didn’t give it too much thought. I stretched all weekend, went to the gym this morning, had a good workout, did more stretching, and feel a lot better now. I was pondering the possible reasons for the mysterious pain, and it finally hit me. About the time I realized what I’d done (the running last Thursday) my brain said, “HA-HA!”

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The Meaning of Life

butter on toast quote

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And There They Were

I’d left the door open, and they’d invited themselves in. A hoard of them. Enough to make a village if allowed to stay. But, I thought, it will only encourage more, and soon there’d be no room for the car. So, I grabbed my trusty blower and shooed them out into the cloudy day. I could barely hear them over the blower, but it was apparent they thought I’d invented a new game, and with each sweep of the blower they chittered laughter and raced around to re-enter their new-found home. I found it un-amusing and doubled back to chase them again. Eventually, I won the battle. Or so I thought.

leaves in the garageAs soon as I shut down the blower, I heard a tittering behind me. I whipped around, and there they were, all in a row. I swear they we’re stifling more laughter and were being perfectly still, perhaps thinking I wouldn’t see them there. It was like looking at a group of children, squeezing their eyes shut tight. Smiling… thinking their closed eyes made them invisible. I couldn’t help it; I laughed out loud and then watched them titter and skitter beneath the car. I shut the garage door and let them stay.

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Don’t Buy That House!

Yard 9-2019I’d just finished the yard—which is looking pretty good, if I don’t say so myself—and was sitting in a lawn chair cooling off, when I noticed a guy looking at the house behind ours. He was about my age and looked to be very interested in the house. He must’ve walked around it five or six times. As he finally seemed to be finished and started toward his pickup, I went over to the fence and said howdy, then asked him if he was looking to buy the house or paint it. He caught my sarcasm and chuckled, then said, “Buy it. The realtor hasn’t shown up yet. She’s late. You know anything about the house?” I said, “No, but I do know the nearest neighbor’s kinda mean and can be pretty difficult sometimes.” He glanced around then asked, “Which one?” I threw a thumb over my shoulder at my house. He grinned, frowned, grinned, frowned, then looked at me like we might be fixin to fight. I laughed, put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Don’t worry ‘bout it though. Her husband’s a real nice guy.”

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Big Brother is Everywhere!

Sometimes the Internet really irritates me. Maybe some of you have had this happen; someone puts a post on Facebook, and you jump right in with an opinion or an example of how you agree with said post. Then… nothing. Right! Nothing! Ten—maybe fifteen—others throw out their opinions, apparently conversing with one another, but your comment seems to have been rendered invisible. What’s the deal?

A good example was a post yesterday. A friend—not a good friend, I admit—posted a concern about how it seems we just have to think about something and, BAM, we start getting ads on Facebook about whatever it was we were thinking about. It’s downright eerie, right? Well, I’ve experienced such phenomena, and so I jumped into the fray to commiserate and discuss the fact that, um, that uh, guy… you know the Facebook honcho… yeh yeh yeh… that guy, seems to be spying on us. All 300 billion or so of us.

minion cell phoneWhat’s been happening to me is truly bizarre. It’s my phone. Since Sherry’s been out of pocket, my diet has not been, well, it’s been pretty bad. Lots of Fritos and bean dip, and easy to cook stuff. You know, like… Fritos and bean dip. So, the strange thing is—the Facebook dude is no doubt behind it—and Verizon, too, I’m sure.

What happens is, every time I eat Fritos and bean dip, my phones ring tone changes, and it’s not a pretty sound, if you get my drift. What really gets me though—makes me mad, if you want the truth—is when I answer the phone, there’s no one there. And, this awful smell comes out of nowhere!

minion in thongHappened at the grocery store checkout the other day. The checkout girl looked at me funny and giggled when my phone blasted its irreverent “ring tone”, and she really cracked up when I pulled out my phone and answered it. Then—the smell, ya know—her eyes got wide and she covered her mouth and nose with a hand, while waving the other one at me like she was shooing flies, and said, “You ain’t right!”, before promptly vacating her station. I just grabbed my stuff and skated on outta there.

It’s all annoying. I’m thinking about getting off Facebook and switching to Cricket.

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